Recently there was a question on ABC RN about what advice you’d give this woman:
“Every Christmas, my sister-in-law sends me a newsletter with a full run-down of what she and her husband, their children and their respective families have been doing for the whole year. This year’s included photos of them at Wimbledon, volunteering at Birmingham Commonwealth Games, all the trips and holidays in the UK. Too many to mention. They have a full life and to be honest, I’m jealous.
“My connection to this family in the UK is through my ex-husband, and we divorced over 20 years ago. My ex-husband chooses to have no contact with our adult child, who is profoundly disabled.
“It has been hard being a single mother, and the caring role that was expected of me has restricted what I can do in life. When we divorced, my ex’s parents (more so his father) cut off all contact with me.
“I think that adding me to the newsletter mailing list is my sister-in-law’s attempt to include me. How do I tell her that I’d rather a simple email asking about my family without offending her?”
ABC Radio National – Facebook page
I commented:
“End of year wrap ups are like social media posts…. They leave out the bad bits… the illness, deaths, stresses and strains of every day life, financial worries… and select just the bits that highlight the fun. Be happy for them. Your life is yours… theirs is theirs. Don’t like yours? Do something about it.”
Me
As could be expected on social media there was no shortage of people wanting to ‘re-educate’ me. I was accused of ‘insensitivity’. (I’ve written about this before.)
But here’s the thing. Her answer is in her question. She said she’s “jealous”. That’s on her. The world doesn’t owe you. That’s why they call it “making a life”. It took her 20 YEARS to speak up!!
This was a ‘poor me’ shout out at a time she was feeling particularly low. Well, I’m sorry but you’re not unique.
Sure I could’ve told them about growing up with an abusive father and narcissistic mother; my surviving child abuse; being told girls were only good for having babies and that was my ‘job’ and education was ‘wasted on women’. I could’ve recounted my surviving domestic violence; the medical issues leading to difficulties having a family; the devastating loss of a baby at 13 weeks. I could have mentioned the sexist workplaces; being a secretary in Sydney in a criminal law practice bumping up against some of the worst there is of human beings. Or later putting up with sexual innuendo of men at work straight from the 1970s. I could then have lamented the loss of friends far too young – of my best friend from ovarian cancer at 39 just two years after we reconnected after more than a decade apart; of recent losses of peers, friends, and the sudden death of my little brother just a year ago. Or of the suicide of my foster son at just 23 after years of abuse from his birth family. I could have shared the struggle of job losses through a pandemic, wondering how on earth we were going to keep paying the mortgage, or my fears for those remaining of my friends and family; and of the disgraceful way some of those same family treated us – and continue to treat us – for our choices.
But I didn’t. And you know why? BECAUSE THAT IS LIFE!!!
Life is not a free ride. No one owes you a living. It is up to you to make your life. If you’re not happy with how things are going – then CHANGE IT!!! You alone have the power to do that.
Shit happens. And it happens to everyone. We spend far too much time coddling and enabling people who would be far better served being given the resources to cope.
It’s time to pull your eyes away from your screen and realise that those Instagram influencers have just as many issues, hang ups and insecurities as you do. Their life isn’t better than yours! Social media is a game and some play it better than others. Do YOU only share the good photos of yourself? Of course you do. You’d never share the one straight out of bed after a big night. Because we have been conditioned to only want to see the positive, and to be seen as upbeat and positive and having a blast. And why? Because no one CARES!!!! Harsh but that’s the reality.
This is why when there is a tragedy people pull out their phones not to ring for help – but to film it.
We have become so far detached from reality as to almost not recognise what is real anymore.
Well that lady’s circumstances – they are real. And they are repeated around the world by thousands of people in thousands of homes every day of the week, every week of the year. How her life has turned out is sad, but not unique. And is – as it is for all of us – a result of choices. Some hers; and some made by others.
You get one shot this time around to make the best life you can. No one will do it for you. If you don’t like how things are going – DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Whining about it on social media isn’t going to get it fixed. And let’s be honest – people who do, don’t want it fixed. They want the pats on the head and ‘it’ll be alright’ and ‘oh you poor thing’. Why else would this lady have mentioned her “profoundly disabled” child? The story would have stood alone without that addition. Is she upset about the yearly wrap up and missing out? Or of her husband leaving her over 20 years ago with her disabled child? Thing is, she deliberately added that bit in to prevent people saying just what I did – because she knows she’s reacted to her sister-in-law’s attempts to include her like a spoilt child.
Truth tellers are never the most popular people in the room. And I’m okay with that.